Merry Christmas!!

The icing on the cake...

So Jayden just informed us that his friend asked him for some money...and he gave it to him. He has been saving his money for a month now and just GAVE some of it away. Gawd. I'm not sure about birthday parties.....

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Yesterday we had Jayden's birthday party here at the house. For the most part everything went well, until we opened presents. Gavin was right across from Jayden and as Jayden opened gifts, Gav took them and put them in a pile. As soon as Jayden finished it turned into a crazy free for all. Jayden was occupied by THE gift that thrilled him to pieces and was playing with it and wasn't even aware of what was going on. 4 of his friends dove into his pile of stuff and started ripping and tearing everything open. Even boxes that you re-use for certain toys couldn't be re-used because they were being madly torn open right from the middle. We kept saying you need to ask Jayden if he wants you to open that. No one would listen to us and in the end almost all of his stuff was open and all over the place. They even wrecked one toy by running it over repeatedly with another toy. Fucking insanity. So after everyone leaves Jayden was kind of upset because they opened everything, mixing things and building things for him and in one case wrecking something. It felt so disrespectful, most kids left with their goody-mugs (which I was really proud of) without saying thank you or anything. Just silently putting on boots and walking out, leaving their moms to say thank you. So today we have to pull out the ruined boxes and try to match pieces with their instructions figure out how they work. I don't know about this. It makes me want to be done with the birthday parties. I felt like I put in this huge effort and was faced with kids who complained about what I had planned for them (christmas crafts for their tree's to take home), destroyed the gifts they had brought for Jayden and just ran crazy through my house for 2.5 hours. Maybe I had too many kids? There were only 9 total, so that doesn't seem right. I suppose I could be over-reacting but somehow I don't think so. What do you guys think?

Jayden Grade 4

This feels good...

I have to share something exciting. Something soooooo awesome. I'm proud to say that for the first time in 2 years I really, truly, honestly am looking forward to the holidays. Besides the sicknesses that wouldn't go away (for Gavin, that is still factual) I have had a great few months. Inside I mean. I feel calm. I miss her every day, but the pain is changing, I'm learning that I can handle it. I have a lot to be thankful for in this life, and I've been trying to remind myself of that. I have Gavin, who is my rock. Even when I am mad at him I have to try to not look at him because looking at him makes me happy, it makes me smile. That's love. I have my kids, who at times are thoroughly and completely exhausting, but they are good kids and they are my kids and I am whole because I have them. I have my dad, who sometimes can be hard to talk to and doesn't call and do the things my mom used to do, but he has my back no matter what and he loves me unconditionally. I have my sisters, who are my best friends. Then on top of all of that I have my friends who are the greatest girls in the whole world. I have few friends but fierce friends. Every one of them I love like a sister. Even my 4 kitties, who despite being hairball coughing brats sometimes, provide me with hours of cuddles and purrs. I have my health (most of the time), my family has their health (most of the time), my friends have their health (most of the time). I get to be a stay at home mom, which means so much to me. I am lucky. My mom was the icing on the cake, and it sucks when you have to have cake without the icing but it doesn't mean that you shouldn't have any cake at all. (Deep right...lol).

I have no anxiety. About anything. My mind is so clear these days that I can sit and just enjoy the quiet sometimes. I feel peaceful. I feel alive. I am excited to spend the holidays with my family, both sides of it. There will be plenty of people and plenty of laughs and delicious food. I can't wait to watch my boys open their presents. I can't wait to drive around on Christmas Eve and look at lights.  I might shed a tear this year, but it will be a tear for how proud I am of myself for coming so far.

Bullet

Since there has been a lot going on around here and so much sickness I haven't been able to blog. So the best thing for me to do to catch you up is a bullet list. Here we go.

*We have had the flu, colds, eye infection, insomnia, croup, migraines, and bad mood disorders. It has been a gross household, but thankfully I had the use of my bestie's carpet cleaner....that totally helped!

*Jayden got his report card and he did really well. When it comes to their attitudes etc they are graded by excellent, commendable, good, poor...and so on. Jayden got excellent for "demonstrates polite and respective attitude". How is it that he doesn't listen and is pretty disrespectful and often get's in trouble at home but at school he is this perfect boy. BRING HIM HOME I say. (I think I was the same way though)

*Evan's favorite word is fart.

*Jayden's favorite word is fart.

*MY panties are HANGING off my butt. I have now been steadily working out for 3 months. I feel amazing, and half the time it doesn't even  feel like work. I was told by someone "I need your willpower!!" But I honestly don't think it's willpower. For me it was just finding the right work out and the right partner so it doesn't seem so much like work.

*I haven't weighed myself yet and was planning on doing the deed for my Christmas present to myself but I think I might wait longer. We'll see. I don't want to get hung up on how much I weigh. I'm a tall girl so I may never be happy with the number on the scale. I want to be 110....but that's not healthy for a girl who is 5'10".

*I have completely finished my Christmas shopping. Including stocking stuffers!!! Buh-bye malls!!!!

*I already know one gift I am getting for Christmas from Gavin and I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!
   KITCHENAID MIXER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


*We started watching Lost on DVD a few months ago and I have completely lost interest in it. I really, really liked it in the beginning but honestly I can only allow myself that kind of confusion for so long. I feel stupider every time we watch an episode now because IT IS SO CONFUSING. Yet, I won't let Gavin finish it without me. Poor guy always wants to watch it and I never do. Sorry babe.

*I am really considering pre-school for Evan. I didn't think it was necessary for Jayden, but I have a different feeling about Mr.Evan. I think he could definitely use the practice. He doesn't do the whole sit and listen thing very well.

*Why are new babies so gosh darn cute???? Makes me want another one. Gross.

*I took part in a baking exchange with 7 other ladies and I'm not going to lie. So much is already gone. I have to bake more so I have goodies for Christmas. Good thing I work out.


That's all I can think of for now :)

Just when you think it's gone...

Gavin is in our room dying of the flu now. At least he knows where to puke though, that's a bonus!! This is the last person in this house to get the flu though so I have my fingers crossed that it will stay away after this!!

Mission:Impossible??

Well, I hope it's possible but knowing my kids this is going to be a fight. One that I am determined to win. I have decided that after my poor kids have gotten every illness under the sun for the past month or so (ear ache, head ache, sinus cold, croup, viruses, FLU) that it is time to tighten my belt and do whatever it takes to make them healthy- although Gavin says they did it on purpose so they would have it all done with for the holidays.

If you know my kids, you know they are dicks when it comes to eating healthy food. They are both extremely picky, especially Jayden, honestly I think Evan isn't as fussy it's just that he wants to emulate Jayden. So it's always the same around here, apples, bananas, sometimes they'll eat strawberries. I never feed them junk food, as a matter of fact I think I'm probably going to get into shit from my MIL because I never feed the kids all the gosh darn chocolate she brings them....she just found out when Jayden told on me. So, anyway I sat down with them and compiled a list of any fruit or veggie they will eat and have challenged them to eat 4-5 servings of each a day. I know that still isn't the recommended but I have to start somewhere. I have cut it all up and bought dip and made it really accessible to them.

I don't understand where I went wrong with them, I always have encouraged healthy eating and never allowed much for junky foods. I always blame myself for this, even though I kinda think they are just too fussy for words.

Another thing I have done to go ahead with mission:HEALTH is I cleaned the boys rooms from top to bottom. Like walls, floors, shelves, not one thing one their rooms went without being wiped down. There is NO smell in Jaydens room and as of late it had a pretty funky smell going on, which I thought was gross little boy smell...turned out to be a rotting juice box hidden behind something. The juice box was a brand I never buy so I have no idea how long it was festering there. Ugh.

Hopefully all of this and taking their daily vitamins will start to make a difference. I can't handle any more sick kids. Just before I go, do you want to know how many times I had to scrub puke off the floors last week? FOUR!!!!!!! Soooo gross.

I remember you.....

Today is the 2nd anniversary of the death of my best friends mom, Donna. This was no ordinary woman, this was a special woman who could light up a room with her smile, who was there for me just as much as my own mom was. At her memorial so many people had so many wonderful things to say about her, a true testament to what kind of person she was. I miss her almost as much as I miss my own mom. To lose these 2 women so close together was devastating, but I know they are both out there watching over us and for that I am grateful.
Love you and miss you Donna.

PS- Thank you for keeping Christina safe on the highway yesterday.

Apple cinnamon E and J-cakes!!!

Seriously...I should get some kind of mommy award for today....

I have to add that when I snuck into Jayden's room and he looked up and saw the camera I said, "I'm so sorry, I know I'm being  a bad mommy....I just want to take a picture of you, I'm sorry, love you."

Doesn't Evan totally look like he's kinda enjoying it?

Sick.

This fall has not been good to everyone in my house. We have all pretty much been taking turns with everything that's been going around. And it sucks. The recent one is a doozy though, and so I decided to blog it so you can feel sorry for me. I am in need of sympathy.

I went to work out on Sunday eve and found myself really tired and just couldn't get into it, so I came home instead of continuing. All was good though, I felt fine. Went to bed, was rudely awoken at 4am by Evan who had decided it was "Morning mom?" So I dragged him into bed with us where he lay awake for the next hour babbling and shoving his cold feet all over me and being SO CLOSE that I was literally on the edge of the bed trying to get away. I like to cuddle but come on!!!! Then at 5 I started feeling funky so I left Evan with Gav and went to try to sleep on the couch. Didn't happen. By 6 I was throwing up. And it continued...all day long. That with the sharpest pains my poor stomach has ever had. I was dripping with sweat and freezing cold. It pretty much started to ease that evening. I tossed all night though still feeling feverish. Gavin stayed home Tuesday so I could rest as I was really weak, still am actually.

You'd think this was the end. but no. I was awoken at 2am to the sound of Jayden crying in his room, so I get up, go in and he had thrown up ALL over the floor, up the wall. It was horrible. I gagged my way through the cleaning and got him back to bed, and went back to bed as well. All of the rest of his pukes made it to the toilet...so far. He is still in his bed weak, shivering, and feeling like complete shit. Poor boy.

Think I'm done now? Because I'm not. It get's worse. I was coming out of Jaydens room after bringing him fresh water when I hear Evan let out a HUGE burp. I think "oh fuck" and run to him, and find him just in time to watch him throw up ALL OVER THE FLOOR. So now Evan is laying on the couch, feverish, not shaky yet, and pukey. I have towels all around him. Some on the coffee table for back up, paper towel at the ready, bucket beside him. 

I've had a few minutes to type this out but as I type I hear Jayden moaning. Oh crap guys. Wish me luck.


It stinks in here. Literally.

An update on me.....

                                                                          
Things have been getting easier for me. I have been making a conscious decision every time I say something like that to myself or, out loud to others. I say to myself, it's ok. It's going to be ok. A little part of me wants to go back to where I was because there I felt like I was keeping her close. I still struggle with that, no matter how healthy I seem. It'll probably be years before it's totally gone, but I am doing the best I can to fight it. I am afraid of her leaving me more. I also know that isn't how it probably works. Matter over mind? Mind over mind? I don't think it's mind over matter. lol. It's confusing sometimes, especially when I take to my blog to try to get it out. It makes sense in my head.


The thing that scares me the most? When I think of her, the image in my head is a picture of her, one that is on my wall. When I try to picture her for real, I have to sit and think. Scares me so bad. I also have this recording of her voice from her voicemail before she died and I have to listen to that to remember the exact sound of her voice. Tears are falling just writing this part. In a way, part of her is already fading away. It makes me hurt, deep down inside. I think it's a hurt that you can only feel in this situation. One specifically for this kind of pain, because this whole time, I've never felt this. My mom is fading away, and she was so special and so important and now she is just a memory.....one I have to concentrate to conjure up.


I have to not let this affect how well I've been doing. I am aware that it could and this is a good thing, because I can try harder to keep on going. I was told the other day that the light in my eyes came back recently. How sad is it that the light even went out in the first place. It also made me wonder if Jayden noticed. Maybe, in his own way.


I was even wondering, how do I still be healthy and still get to cry about her and sometimes express my frustrations on my blog...without scaring everyone I know that I'm "going back"? I feel like some of my friends will be upset when they read this because they think I'm doing so well. I am still doing well, sometimes though, I still have rough days. I promise to keep my head straight. I have seen the light and the light feels good. It feels like relief, so I won't stray away from my path.


It'll be her birthday on Monday, she would have been 55. I wonder how she would have felt about 55. I bet there would have been a few complaints for sure. I don't know if we will do anything. I might take flowers to her memorial tree. That sounds like a good plan to me.

GUESS WHAT!!!!!!

I have the most amazing news ever!!!!










Like soooo amazing that I kinda want to tease you....














Although, this is more exciting for me than it is for you......













This is probably kinda mean, you might even be a little disappointed when I'm done here........












My exciting news is........













EVAN IS ABOUT 90 % POTTY TRAINED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pooping on the potty........another story.

Halloween 2010

Pumpkin Carving 2010

Happy Halloween!

I hope you all have a safe and fun Halloween, don't forget your glow sticks!!!  :) Will post pictures of the pumpkins and the kiddo's tomorrow!

Bullied...

 Poor Jayden had his first- and hopefully last experience with bullying a couple of weeks ago. I didn't realize how mean they were being to him until one of their moms came over and told me about it.

 Here's the story. A couple of weeks ago Jayden was out in the neighborhood riding his bike, which is very normal for him. I check out the window to see if I can see him sometimes and there he was sitting on his bike, just outside of the park on our block. Just sitting there looking towards the park, not moving, just hanging out. Gavin and I decided he was being weird and maybe watching the girls at the park play, who knows maybe he thought one was cute?

 He finally comes home about 20 minutes later and one look at his face and I know something was wrong. So I ask him whats the matter, and also ask why he was being weird by the park. He starts crying and says, "They were bullying me." I told him he needs to be very careful with that word because it's such a focal point in our lives right now, and to please explain to me how he thought he was being bullied. Don't get me wrong, I believed that they weren't being nice to him, the look on his face made that clear but I don't want him being the boy who cries bully either so I needed to be clear.

 I got what I thought was the whole story and decided that yes, it was probably bullying and it was really unnecessary but I wanted to chalk it up to a learning experience. See there were 3 girls, 2 of which are our neighbors and actually normally are quite good friends with Jayden. The other girl is significantly older, 14 to be exact and the other girls are 5 and 10. The 10 year old just started middle school and was befriended by this older girl. I told Jayden that as much as it hurt and as much as it didn't need to happen...it is going to happen again. I tried to help him to understand that girls , and boys too, change when they get to middle school. Some even become mean.  I tried to get him to understand that this is not his fault and as much as it hurts he can't let it get to him. He is strong, and smart and we love him and that is all that matters.

 About a week later my neighbor comes over looking totally distraught. I guess she had no idea this had happened, she works crazy hours and her teenaged daughter is left to take care of the younger kids a lot. Anyway her daughter pulled her aside and told her about what the girls had said to Jayden, seems she witnessed it from the end of her drive and tried to talk to Jayden when he came home but he started crying and ran away. So my neighbor rushes over, completely mortified and frankly, PISSED at her girls. Turns out it was a lot more mean than Jayden even told me. He was being called nasty names and being told he wasn't allowed to play at the park and to leave. They were laughing at him and being horrible to him. So the girls are sent straight over to our house when they get home from school to apologise to him. I stood back and let him answer the door and listened to their apology, I wanted so badly to intervene, because in my opinion their excuse was lame, but Jayden was happy with the explanation and just wanted his friends back so I stayed back.

 They haven't really been playing much since then though, Jayden never asks to go see if they can play and they don't seem to come here. We see the girls with their new older friend and I think Jayden is intimidated by her so I figure that's probably why he stays away. I hope this doesn't affect him too much, there are lot's of kids in the neighborhood to play with and so he said he might try to start talking to them more.

 Did  I handle this ok? I wonder if I should have stood up for him more? If this happens again I will go to the older girls house and talk to her mom. To me there is no excuse for a 14 year old girl to be picking on an 8 year old boy!!! I used to babysit kids Jaydens age when I was her age and I would never have dreamed of trying to make one of them cry.

 At the same time, I think it is so important for him to learn that there are some people in life who just aren't nice. I want him to be able to stand up for himself, but not be afraid ever to tell us about it. I want him to be strong enough so that he can hold on through these upcoming difficult years of his life. Hopefully this is it, and he coasts through middle/high school drama free. I doubt it...but I am going to keep hoping and keeping my fingers crossed. Here we go....

OMFG!!!

We RAN yesterday. I RAN!!!!!! That is all.

Where my best fwiend?????

Evan and his best buddy Chicken!!!!!!

My miracle child.

I was thinking last night about things to blog about and I don't think I ever told this story in my old blog, and if I did, or if you've heard it before bear with me.

When I got pregnant with Jayden over 9 years ago I was over the moon with excitement. I took the test and told Gavin and then before he could even really react I ran down the road and pulled my mom into her bedroom and told her I was pregnant. We did a little dance for joy and then we told the rest of the family (who were all sitting in the living room when I ran in and probably wondering what the heck!!) It was exciting because my sisters had babies and I just loved being around them and could not wait to add my own little munchkin to the pack. This was a baby who wasn't planned but was VERY wanted.

A few weeks into the pregnancy I started to bleed. So I went to the doctor and was told chances aren't good and to prepare myself for a loss. I was obviously really upset but bottom line was that this baby was still alive so on I went. About 4 months into the pregnancy I started bleeding again, this time pretty heavily, and it scared the hell out of me. Off to the doctor I went again and after some testing they came to the conclusion that baby was still holding on but not by much. I was told that my baby only had a 30% chance of survival and to take it easy. I bled on and off through the entire pregnancy and once I got to about 7 months along they decided that baby was going to try to come early and so I had to go to the hospital a bunch of times to get a steroid needle in my hip. The steroids were to advance baby's lungs so that if/when he came early he would have a better chance of being able to breathe on his own.

Baby's first due-date was Dec 22 and his second due date was Dec 24. My Jayden Daniel came into this world on Dec 23. He was big and pink and healthy!!!!! I don't know if it was a test to see how much I really wanted this baby, or maybe it was a test to see how much baby wanted to be with me. After all the stress and all the tears and all the uncertainty....my boy was ok.

So, in a way Jayden is a miracle. My own personal miracle.

Yep, still alive!!!

It's been over a month since I last blogged. Not for lack of trying to think about things to blog about though that's for sure. I just can't really think of anything exciting. We'll play catch up for now.

I don't think I ever mentioned that I went and talked to someone. I went before my moms 2 year anniversary (is it an anniversary?) I was told that if I looked into a textbook that I am right where I should be. That of course I'm having a hard time, I lost my mom and now I am left to figure out who I am without her. It's been a task. I was told that I need to try to do something for myself each and every day. It was almost self sabotage in a way, I didn't want to do anything that might benefit me. Didn't want to do anything that might help me feel better because I thought I deserved to hurt. I left the appointment feeling like I didn't really get the chance to say much.

I think though, as much as I felt I should have gotten to say more....I got to say enough for now. In hindsight I think that meeting as insignificant as it seemed at the time, was beneficial. I took to heart the whole do something for yourself each day in a way I never thought I would. A friend and I have started power walking and working out together. We do about 6km a day, with hand weights!!! I have already lost 6 lbs!!! In only 3 weeks. So awesome.

I'm starting to feel better. I got called out that last time I said that, and it was true. I did say that before and then I wound up having anxiety attacks. It feels different this time. Last time it felt a lot more forced, like people are getting sick of your whining, get on with it!! I think I really had to find the bottom in order to start the climb back to the top. I hit bottom. I was a mess. I NEEDED to get a grip and I think I did. I have just one or two thoughts at a time, which is MUCH more manageable than having countless thoughts floating around and torturing me. I have been working on re-directing my negative thoughts. My biggest problem was that if I tried to get better I would have this thought that I was dishonoring my mom by trying to feel better. I understand now that that is not healthy and that my mom would want me to be happy and healthy.

I still think of her often, always will but the pain of it is easing. To wish her back here is just wishing her to be unhappy. She wasn't happy in this life and for me to dwell on the fact that she isn't here anymore is silly. I think wherever she is, she is happy and she is free from her negative thoughts. The only thing holding her back is probably me, and my inability to move on. I think in order for her to be completely free, I have to let her go. This doesn't mean I don't love her. I think it means I'm accepting it. I will always love my mom, but I cannot ruin my life because she is gone. That's stupid.

Back to my weight loss. Guys...my ass is feeling higher!!! I feel less "bumpy"!!! It's a lot of hard work and I'm not gonna lie I bitch and complain during those last 3km but I'm going strong and can't wait to see results. I wonder what my ass will look like by Christmas?!?! Only time will tell... :D

Halloween is coming fast and I'm not sure how it's going to go for us. Evan is scared of EVERYTHING right now. Seriously we have to avoid the Halloween section when we go to Walmart because he is so freaked out by the big blow up decorations. He is scared of the dark recently too, and shadows, and ghosts (thanks Jayden). We went and bought him a Thomas the Tank Engine costume from Toys r Us, hoping the friendly little guy would help Evan enjoy Halloween, but he won't try it on. Not a good sign. I honestly don't care what happens on Halloween, if he doesn't want to it's more than ok with me, I am beyond picky about my kids eating candy so the less I have to toss out the better. The only thing that worries me is him missing out on the experience of it. It is SO FUN to trick or treat. I'll play it by ear and bring along his costume (it's a super easy slip over the coat type thing). I have a feeling though that if he does decide to participate he won't go anywhere near any house that has any cool...I mean scary...decorations. Poor little scaredy cat!!

Jayden is going to be a pirate this year which makes me SO HAPPY!!! He usually chooses the dorky Bumblebee or Spiderman costumes that don't fit over anything, and living in AB we need to costumes that can go over coats and still look cool. These silly leotard costumes don't do that. We got him some dreadlock hair and a sword and an earring and an eye patch. Now to hit up a thrift store for a big button up white shirt and a big black belt. He is gonna just wear black sweatpants. I plan to draw some facial hair onto him and call it done.

There isn't much else to catch up on. Things are getting easier. I'm feeling happier and healthier and more confident. Life is being good to me lately. I might have to jump on a few bloggy bandwagons in order to post as often as some of you would like. Thanks to those of you who have been "inquiring" about my lack of blogging, you make me feel loved :)

2 years....update.

I just wanted to tell you guys that yesterday was ok. It was no different than the day before, and it won't be any different from today. One thing that changed yesterday? That I can safely say that it has been 2 years. That's all. I didn't feel anxious, or like I was trying not to cry. I didn't gasp for air even once. In the morning when I woke up I was nervous, had an upset tummy and I had a little cry right away. That was it though, it was WAY easier than it was at 1 year. 1 year was mind blowing, the whole day I had the shakes and was crying.

This is a good sign, I must be healing.

2 years.

Remember her with a smile today
She was not one for tears
Reflect instead on memories
Of all the happy years
Recall to mind the way she spoke
And all the things she said
Her strength, her stance, the way she walked
Remember these instead
The good advice she'd give us
Her eyes that shone with laughter
So much of her will never die
But live on ever after
As we loved you, so we miss you
In our memory you are near
Loved, remembered, longed for always
Bringing many a silent tear.




* This is the poem we chose for the back of her memorial card.

Evan Raine turns 3!!!!

What joy you have brought into our lives Evan Raine. We cannot get enough of you!!

Picture Post!

Catch up.

Wow. Lot's has happened since I last blogged. Lot's happened before that too. I've been the worst blogger ever lately, it's this new thing I have. I like to think about things for weeks before I'll follow through and do them. I didn't really blog much this summer so I'm going to do a little catch up...fill you in a bit :) We went camping a lot. 3 times!! Maybe that actually isn't a lot but we planned our holidays this year all broken up so rather than having one long trip which we couldn't afford this year anyway, we decided to make it into 4 separate mini holidays. One we didn't go anywhere though, we just hung out and got things done at home. Camping was fantastic!! I'd only wanted to go to where my mom's ashes were scattered because I'm a suck like that but there is nothing for the kids to do there...nothing. There's a little river but if there are campers right there you have to go through there campsites to get to it...which isn't fun. They ride bikes but that's not the funnest thing in the world. So my dad gave us directions to another place he had been near Drumheller, actually it's in Rosedale called Pinters Campground. Love it there. Tons of trees, so many that you can't see your neighbors!! Best! Plus it's right along the Red Deer River and the people who run the place grated out a beach area so the kids could play in the sand (dirt lol) and swim and splash. Where we camped was a bit of a walk to the bathroom (thank goodness for the trailer)but we made it work. It's also so close to Drumheller and the Hoodoos and the giant dinosaur and the suspension bridge PLUS my kids fell in love with a school park there too so we spent a lot of time sitting there drinking coffee while the boys played. Oooh! Another perk? On the way out of Drumheller and on the way to our campground (which takes maybe 10 mins to get to) there is a Walmart!! With a McDonalds!! Which has kickass coffee!!! Lol, it was awesome :) My boys are very into dinosaurs right now...both of them! So they play together more. That is something that happened this summer, and I don't know how long it will last because Jayden is quite a bit older, they play together. Jayden even said "Wow, Evan actually knows how to play now!!" So their shared love for dinosaurs right now probably helped and I'm so glad! Evan loves his big brother and wants to be with him all the time so it's so nice that (mostly) Jayden is cool with it. What else? Oh we bought the kids a pool this summer and it was definitely put to good use!! I had kids in it pretty much every day that weather permitted. This included neighbor kids and nieces and nephew children too! It was great to have a place for them to hang out when it was too hot to do anything else..which was what.....3 days this summer. Pretty crappy summer weatherwise. We made it work though. Still totally felt like the kids were swimming a lot. Do you know how much work it is to have a pool? I didn't. Gross. We thought it would be fine to not do anything to the water at first. Bad idea. The water got pretty murky and shit started to grow on the side. This was within the 1st week and we figured it out fast...drained it and went to talk to someone who knew what to do...got the right chemicals (which at first I really didn't think we needed) and got 'er going again. What work though. No pump so I had to move the chemicals around so it was safe...plus I had to stand there for a minimum of half hour a day cleaning it. It was worth it though. My kids loved it. So it was a good summer. We spent a lot of time outside, in nature. My boys have turned into great campers! Evan sleeps in the top bunk with Jayden now, so mommy gets the whole bed to herself!!! I get to read before bed again! Love it :)
Evan just had his third birthday! He had the best time at his birthday party. We made caramel apples and decorated them with candy. It was a sugar filled afternoon and it was so much fun. We have great family and friends who all help out and they all know each other and get along. It was very relaxed and easy. Evan loved his cake and perfectly blew out his candles then grabbed the Thomas that sat on top. He had a great day. Scored a whole bunch of dinosaurs too, bringing his collection up to 20 dinosaurs!! He has been in a happy dino stupor since Saturday carrying and playing with his dinos and watching Jurassic park.....over and over and over and over. (Poor mommy).
Jayden has started grade 4. Grade freaking 4!!!! Craziness. How my little buttercup (baby nickname) got this big so fast I will never know. The school is trying something new this year and sorting the kids out according to their interests. He was placed in the Humanitarian group. I was really proud about that. I thought it just suited him to a tee to be there. He is the most sensitive boy you'll ever meet.
Next year he starts middle school. I don't know if I'm going to be ok with that...but I'll do my best. It happens so fast. I read my friends' blogs about their kids starting preschool and kindergarten and it seems so long ago that I went through that milestone. That's what happens when you're the 1st of your friends to have kids though. You do these things first. I get to do it again with Evan though so I am excited for that. The first day of kindergarten was sooooo wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time.
As far as all the past blogs about my anxiety...I went. I did it!!! I went to a place and talked to someone for the first time since my mom died!! IT was so hard, I was so scared. But I did it. Then, when it was all over and the lady gave me my assessment she told me that basically I need to do something for myself every day. And that I only have to come back if I want to. In a nutshell, that was it. Oh, and she said that if I looked in a textbook I would find that I am exactly where I should be. I already felt like I have to be making a mountain out of a molehill and was wasting their time by being so needy. Then I was pretty much told that was the case. I have a friend (hope you don't mind me talking about you) who thinks they dropped the ball and that I really need help and should try again. I'm having a hard time doing it again though. It's. SO. Hard. I know I should try again but I don't know if I will. I really don't want to make a big deal out of myself, and what if they just say the same thing? Square one again. I have been breathing much better. Haven't gasped for air in probably 2 weeks now. I haven't been scratching myself as much. My brain feels quieter. I've also been trying to keep myself on track during the day. I plan to do something and I do it. I make myself. I'm so tired of this new habit of mine. Master procrastinator....that's me!! Yuck. I'm really trying though. I'll probably need to think about this for a bit. I know that won't make everyone happy but it has to be this way.
We are mere days from the 2 year anniversary of my moms death. I'll post something Wednesday.
I have a ton of pictures to post but my camera is being weird. I'll figure it out asap though and do a picture-post :)

I have had time now to sit and think and have come up with a decision. If I don't fix this, I am going to turn into my mom. I feel like that doctor placed a mountain in front of me and told me I have to climb it. I have no choice. If I don't get better I'm going to get worse, I can't let that happen.
I did some research online and everything that I have going on in my chest with my breathing is listed on the symptoms of Anxiety Disorder. Everything. Plus more. My rapid mood swings, my lack of patience, my sadness, my crying when it doesn't even feel like I have anything to cry about, chest tremors, rapidly beating heart, and there is more. It's absolutely amazing. Astonishing. I have developed a few little ticks recently as well that I'm betting have something to do with, I scratch myself, I dig my nails into my hands, I wring my hands all the time, I squeeze things. Everything is becoming clear and it is all tied together.
I am angry with myself. Pissed off even. I am not someone who goes through something like this. I don't have issues that need dealing. I am stronger than that. Yeah, turns out I'm not as strong as I thought. I'm actually so out of tune with my body that I let it get to the point where I manifested a breathing problem and developed anxiety. Let me tell you, it doesn't feel manifested, when I can't breathe it feels real. Scares the hell out of me. I am so angry. I should have known. My poor children. I have to push through this for them. I promise you guys, I will get through this. I will not be overtaken by some fucking disorder. I will fight this.
I just need a few days to allow myself to accept that this is real.

Didn't see this coming...

Or maybe I did. I went to the doctor this morning because since last Friday I have been having trouble catching my breath. I feel like I can't complete my breathing, you know how when you take a deep breath you get that satisfying feeling when you're done? Not me. It got so bad the other day that I thought I was going to pass out. Talked myself through it though and stayed upright. Thank god. I had asthma as a child, a mild form of it but still asthma. Recently there have been huge fires in BC and the smoke traveled here and it was pretty bad for a while and my breathing issues started while it was so smoky, so I thought it may be my asthma returning, brought on by the smoke. So after deciding that this is important and Miss.Nevergoestothedoctor decided to finally go today. Turns out that it very well may be asthma again, BUT it wasn't brought on by the smoke, doc said if it was, it would have gotten a little better by now as the smoke is gone. Doc said it was very likely brought on because of stress and anxiety. Asked what I have that I might be stressed about. I mentioned my mom died almost 2 years ago. I also mentioned that I've been stressed out when my kids act up lately. He said it's quite likely my mothers death is eating me. You might never know if you met me, but I CONSTANTLY am thinking about my mom in the back of my head. It just took 2 years to rear it's ugly head...in the form of breathing issues. He said it may even just be pshychological (sp?) and I may try breathing excercises but that since I had asthma as a child it could also be that. So I have an inhalor. So a little of that and a little calm the fuck down and hopefully I'll be on my way back to health.

On another note, after Gavin left for work when I got home......I lost it. Bawled like a baby. I'm kind of ashamed that I let it affect me like this. I am so worked up because of her death that it's affecting my health. Shit. Made me mad at her all over again. Look what you did to me mom. Thanks a bunch.

Ramblings...

Here we are. August 25 2010. It's almost been 2 years since my mom died. When I think back to 2 years ago it's pretty foggy. I mean, I remember probably too well the day she died. I remember the weekend she was dying. I remember bits and pieces of the summer in the hospital. I remember thinking my mom was going to live and she was doing really well, this was just before they let her come home. I went to see her and she knew who I was she introduced me to her nurse "This is my daughter!!' she said so proud and excited to see me. We sat that day and she said she was going to try to "health up" she was all gung ho to go home and go shopping for fruit and then she was going to blend it and freeze it in little ice cube trays, then she was going to thaw them when she wanted them and add it to her yogurt or something. I sat back just watching her talk. She had such hope. She just wanted to go home. She wanted to go home and put on her jammies and cuddle with her "mouser" and read a book. I looked at her and I said, "Mom, you understand why you are here right?" "yes." she said. "So you promise you won't ever drink again?" "Oh god no, never!!" I had such hope too. I remember going home that day and having coffee with a friend later and I was positively GLOWING, and I was telling her about my visit to see my mom and that she said she would never drink again and I was so happy. My friend just looked scared. She said "Are you sure?" What a naysayer I thought. My mom said she wouldn't drink again, and she won't. God, just that feeling was amazing. Indescribable. As gullible as some of you may think I was, I just needed to hear it. Her abuse was killing me.
She never had the chance to prove herself though.

God I miss her. I miss everything about her. I miss her so much sometimes I just want to jump out of my skin.

I've been having a bit of a hard time lately with my kids. They seem to, some days, want nothing more than to just work themselves into a tizzy and take me down with them. I wish I could call her and say please, come sit with the kids for a half hour so I can catch my breath. I wish I could pick up the phone and freak the fuck out about how irritated I am. It's hard on those days. I would have leaned on her. I can't lean on my dad like that, he's at work. I can't lean on Gavin's parents like that because they are almost always busy doing other things. Everyone else just comes and goes from my life. That's ok though, I understand that everyone else has their own lives to deal with. No one needs to add me to their burdens. I feel alone, even though I am surrounded by people. I can't force anyone to love me like she did. I miss that love.
I wonder if her being around would have changed how flustered I get with life sometimes. Probably, right? Today for example I had to lock myself into my bathroom for 10 minutes because I was so overwhelmed with them. Their fight picking, their complaining about the food I make, the complaining about that I don't do enough with them. This after a summer where I did nothing but try to make their summer amazing. Sure we don't have a ton of money but I made sure those kids did something fun AT LEAST once a week. This is the thanks I get? The one day I make no plans I get told how mean I am. I know I shouldn't take what they say seriously and for the most part I don't, but sometimes I just can't fucking stand it!! This is how my parents must have felt while I was being a douche when I should have been thanking them for keeping my ass alive. I would have asked her how to deal with this and ask her how she dealt with it. Being a parent is hard. Some days I'm finding it impossibly hard. I wonder if it's because it's hard or if I just haven't learned how to cope.
Mom, come back. I need you.

FYI

So Gavin had a call today at Lilydale aka where chickens go to die. So he was behind the scenes there and he said it was the most disgusting, vile, nastiest place he had ever been, and that he may never eat chicken again. This man isn't grossed out very easy and he keeps shaking his head whenever he thinks of what he saw. I haven't asked I don't want to know.
Just sayin'.

Sleepover!!!

Cousin Melissa came for a sleepover the other night. How cute are they??

Camping trip July29-Aug 1

So this past weekend we went camping to a place right near Drumheller. It was a great campground, right along the Red Deer River and there was a nice, sandy beach set up as well. We spent our time laying on the beach, playing in the water and checking out Drumheller. The Tyrell Museum bores me to DEATH...yaaaaaawn. So we didn't go there but we did check out the worlds biggest dinosaur (which had a lot of stairs to get to the top, I swear my as was smaller when we got to the top). Went and checked out a cool suspension bridge (that took Jayden about 15 mins to talk himself into walking across) went for ice cream, went out for lunch one day, stuff and things. It was fun. My bestie and her little girl came for a visit and stayed all day Saturday, so that was fun for the kids. Here's some pictures :)