While we are on the subject....

Below is a post from my old blog, that I still have but I like to keep it hidden. This was the first time I dreamed of my mom after she died..








I had a dream last night.... ...about my Mom. Finally. I have been doing nothing but wanting desperately to at least dream of my Mom because it would allow me to see her again. It finally happened last night. For the first time in almost 5 months...I saw my Mom. Oh, how I missed her. I know it was just a dream, but it was her...walking and talking. It was a strange dream. I'm going to try to remember as much as I can and get it down before it's gone. I don't remember alot. What I do remember is this....there was a bunch of family visiting at my Mom and Dad's house and it was very busy....everyone all over and chatting....my Mom wasn't supposed to be there though. We all knew in the dream that she had passed away...but for whatever reason, she was being allowed to come back to us for a few days to visit. It wasn't weird in the dream either, that she was there. She was my Mom again, the person she was before the alcohol took her. She was happy, and chatty, and funny, and beautiful. I don't remember me actually talking to her.....just watching her the whole time. I don't remember how the dream ended either...it just fades away.I have been waiting for this. Wondering why I won't dream of her. I am so thankful....I saw my Mom last night. What was better was that she was so healthy in it....I'm so glad I didn't dream of her while she was sick.I love you Mom and I miss you, and thank you for being in my dream...

So thankful...

I got to see my mom last night you guys!! I live to dream about her, and it doesn't happen very often, it's only happened maybe 4 times since she died. I know they are just dreams but oh, how wonderful it is to see her again, moving around, talking, being ALIVE.

It wasn't of any significance, in fact I barely remember what it was even about. I woke up this morning feeling pretty happy though, because I know she was there, and I know I got to spend time with her last night.

Sometimes memories and pictures just aren't enough, and if you have ever lost anyone close to you, I'm sure you understand how just having them enter into a dream is so amazing.

Thanks for coming to visit me mom, it meant everything to me...
Love you more.

It's all my fault.

I've done some internet searching and I've written a blog about it and I've talked to someone who doesn't sugar coat to make me happy, and I have decided that it is all my fault that Evan is the way he is with eating. It's not just eating either. I have always given Evan too many choices. I did the same thing with Jayden too, but he is an entirely different kid and it didn't go to his head in the way Mr. Ego's did.

I let him choose his meals, except dinner. I let him choose his snacks, within reason. I let him choose his clothes, totally and completely. I still rock him at night because he loves to be rocked. When we go to Wal Mart or some other cheaper store I let him choose a little toy. When I go grab a coffee I always let him choose a drink. Basically he has been given too many choices. He thinks he rules the world.

This is probably why he hasn't been eating properly, because he wants to have the power to decide if he eats or not, because he knows that if he doesn't eat dinner I will allow a yogurt or a piece of fruit because I can't stand to see him go to bed on an empty tummy. This won't happen anymore. He will go to bed hungry if he chooses not to eat his dinner.

This is a smart boy we are talking about here. I need to completely change the way I am doing pretty much everything. The choices have got to go. I have already started and he is not a happy camper. It's going to be a rough week, I'm guessing but hopefully I have a little boy at the end of it who eats properly and isn't constantly trying to get into a power struggle.

I have been working on the food pretty much since I wrote the last post and he has been doing good. He's not happy about it but I think he see's that my tone has changed and if it comes down to a power struggle, I will win. I. Will. Win. Now I'm starting to add the other things that he needs to not be in control of. Things that are hard for me to think of here, because they just sort of happen. Example....this morning I wanted him to wear boots to drive Jayden to school but Evan wanted shoes. Normally I would just say fine, lets go. This morning I said No, you are wearing your boots because it is cold outside and that's all there is to it. He just looked at me and said fine. I really think he see's a resolve in me that is keeping him from fighting too much.

Gosh, I used to never even pick a straw for him because he would FREAK out if I chose a color he didn't want. No more. I choose his straws. If he doesn't like the color, he won't get a straw. I can DO THIS. I am strong, and I am committed to making my life with Evan as wonderful as I can. This is worth it!!!!!!!!!

Wish me luck, I think I'm going to need it.