I just wanted to tell you guys that yesterday was ok. It was no different than the day before, and it won't be any different from today. One thing that changed yesterday? That I can safely say that it has been 2 years. That's all. I didn't feel anxious, or like I was trying not to cry. I didn't gasp for air even once. In the morning when I woke up I was nervous, had an upset tummy and I had a little cry right away. That was it though, it was WAY easier than it was at 1 year. 1 year was mind blowing, the whole day I had the shakes and was crying.
This is a good sign, I must be healing.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
2 years.
Remember her with a smile today
She was not one for tears
Reflect instead on memories
Of all the happy years
Recall to mind the way she spoke
And all the things she said
Her strength, her stance, the way she walked
Remember these instead
The good advice she'd give us
Her eyes that shone with laughter
So much of her will never die
But live on ever after
As we loved you, so we miss you
In our memory you are near
Loved, remembered, longed for always
Bringing many a silent tear.
* This is the poem we chose for the back of her memorial card.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Evan Raine turns 3!!!!
What joy you have brought into our lives Evan Raine. We cannot get enough of you!!
Catch up.
Wow. Lot's has happened since I last blogged. Lot's happened before that too. I've been the worst blogger ever lately, it's this new thing I have. I like to think about things for weeks before I'll follow through and do them. I didn't really blog much this summer so I'm going to do a little catch up...fill you in a bit :) We went camping a lot. 3 times!! Maybe that actually isn't a lot but we planned our holidays this year all broken up so rather than having one long trip which we couldn't afford this year anyway, we decided to make it into 4 separate mini holidays. One we didn't go anywhere though, we just hung out and got things done at home. Camping was fantastic!! I'd only wanted to go to where my mom's ashes were scattered because I'm a suck like that but there is nothing for the kids to do there...nothing. There's a little river but if there are campers right there you have to go through there campsites to get to it...which isn't fun. They ride bikes but that's not the funnest thing in the world. So my dad gave us directions to another place he had been near Drumheller, actually it's in Rosedale called Pinters Campground. Love it there. Tons of trees, so many that you can't see your neighbors!! Best! Plus it's right along the Red Deer River and the people who run the place grated out a beach area so the kids could play in the sand (dirt lol) and swim and splash. Where we camped was a bit of a walk to the bathroom (thank goodness for the trailer)but we made it work. It's also so close to Drumheller and the Hoodoos and the giant dinosaur and the suspension bridge PLUS my kids fell in love with a school park there too so we spent a lot of time sitting there drinking coffee while the boys played. Oooh! Another perk? On the way out of Drumheller and on the way to our campground (which takes maybe 10 mins to get to) there is a Walmart!! With a McDonalds!! Which has kickass coffee!!! Lol, it was awesome :) My boys are very into dinosaurs right now...both of them! So they play together more. That is something that happened this summer, and I don't know how long it will last because Jayden is quite a bit older, they play together. Jayden even said "Wow, Evan actually knows how to play now!!" So their shared love for dinosaurs right now probably helped and I'm so glad! Evan loves his big brother and wants to be with him all the time so it's so nice that (mostly) Jayden is cool with it. What else? Oh we bought the kids a pool this summer and it was definitely put to good use!! I had kids in it pretty much every day that weather permitted. This included neighbor kids and nieces and nephew children too! It was great to have a place for them to hang out when it was too hot to do anything else..which was what.....3 days this summer. Pretty crappy summer weatherwise. We made it work though. Still totally felt like the kids were swimming a lot. Do you know how much work it is to have a pool? I didn't. Gross. We thought it would be fine to not do anything to the water at first. Bad idea. The water got pretty murky and shit started to grow on the side. This was within the 1st week and we figured it out fast...drained it and went to talk to someone who knew what to do...got the right chemicals (which at first I really didn't think we needed) and got 'er going again. What work though. No pump so I had to move the chemicals around so it was safe...plus I had to stand there for a minimum of half hour a day cleaning it. It was worth it though. My kids loved it. So it was a good summer. We spent a lot of time outside, in nature. My boys have turned into great campers! Evan sleeps in the top bunk with Jayden now, so mommy gets the whole bed to herself!!! I get to read before bed again! Love it :)
Evan just had his third birthday! He had the best time at his birthday party. We made caramel apples and decorated them with candy. It was a sugar filled afternoon and it was so much fun. We have great family and friends who all help out and they all know each other and get along. It was very relaxed and easy. Evan loved his cake and perfectly blew out his candles then grabbed the Thomas that sat on top. He had a great day. Scored a whole bunch of dinosaurs too, bringing his collection up to 20 dinosaurs!! He has been in a happy dino stupor since Saturday carrying and playing with his dinos and watching Jurassic park.....over and over and over and over. (Poor mommy).
Jayden has started grade 4. Grade freaking 4!!!! Craziness. How my little buttercup (baby nickname) got this big so fast I will never know. The school is trying something new this year and sorting the kids out according to their interests. He was placed in the Humanitarian group. I was really proud about that. I thought it just suited him to a tee to be there. He is the most sensitive boy you'll ever meet.
Next year he starts middle school. I don't know if I'm going to be ok with that...but I'll do my best. It happens so fast. I read my friends' blogs about their kids starting preschool and kindergarten and it seems so long ago that I went through that milestone. That's what happens when you're the 1st of your friends to have kids though. You do these things first. I get to do it again with Evan though so I am excited for that. The first day of kindergarten was sooooo wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time.
As far as all the past blogs about my anxiety...I went. I did it!!! I went to a place and talked to someone for the first time since my mom died!! IT was so hard, I was so scared. But I did it. Then, when it was all over and the lady gave me my assessment she told me that basically I need to do something for myself every day. And that I only have to come back if I want to. In a nutshell, that was it. Oh, and she said that if I looked in a textbook I would find that I am exactly where I should be. I already felt like I have to be making a mountain out of a molehill and was wasting their time by being so needy. Then I was pretty much told that was the case. I have a friend (hope you don't mind me talking about you) who thinks they dropped the ball and that I really need help and should try again. I'm having a hard time doing it again though. It's. SO. Hard. I know I should try again but I don't know if I will. I really don't want to make a big deal out of myself, and what if they just say the same thing? Square one again. I have been breathing much better. Haven't gasped for air in probably 2 weeks now. I haven't been scratching myself as much. My brain feels quieter. I've also been trying to keep myself on track during the day. I plan to do something and I do it. I make myself. I'm so tired of this new habit of mine. Master procrastinator....that's me!! Yuck. I'm really trying though. I'll probably need to think about this for a bit. I know that won't make everyone happy but it has to be this way.
We are mere days from the 2 year anniversary of my moms death. I'll post something Wednesday.
I have a ton of pictures to post but my camera is being weird. I'll figure it out asap though and do a picture-post :)
Evan just had his third birthday! He had the best time at his birthday party. We made caramel apples and decorated them with candy. It was a sugar filled afternoon and it was so much fun. We have great family and friends who all help out and they all know each other and get along. It was very relaxed and easy. Evan loved his cake and perfectly blew out his candles then grabbed the Thomas that sat on top. He had a great day. Scored a whole bunch of dinosaurs too, bringing his collection up to 20 dinosaurs!! He has been in a happy dino stupor since Saturday carrying and playing with his dinos and watching Jurassic park.....over and over and over and over. (Poor mommy).
Jayden has started grade 4. Grade freaking 4!!!! Craziness. How my little buttercup (baby nickname) got this big so fast I will never know. The school is trying something new this year and sorting the kids out according to their interests. He was placed in the Humanitarian group. I was really proud about that. I thought it just suited him to a tee to be there. He is the most sensitive boy you'll ever meet.
Next year he starts middle school. I don't know if I'm going to be ok with that...but I'll do my best. It happens so fast. I read my friends' blogs about their kids starting preschool and kindergarten and it seems so long ago that I went through that milestone. That's what happens when you're the 1st of your friends to have kids though. You do these things first. I get to do it again with Evan though so I am excited for that. The first day of kindergarten was sooooo wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time.
As far as all the past blogs about my anxiety...I went. I did it!!! I went to a place and talked to someone for the first time since my mom died!! IT was so hard, I was so scared. But I did it. Then, when it was all over and the lady gave me my assessment she told me that basically I need to do something for myself every day. And that I only have to come back if I want to. In a nutshell, that was it. Oh, and she said that if I looked in a textbook I would find that I am exactly where I should be. I already felt like I have to be making a mountain out of a molehill and was wasting their time by being so needy. Then I was pretty much told that was the case. I have a friend (hope you don't mind me talking about you) who thinks they dropped the ball and that I really need help and should try again. I'm having a hard time doing it again though. It's. SO. Hard. I know I should try again but I don't know if I will. I really don't want to make a big deal out of myself, and what if they just say the same thing? Square one again. I have been breathing much better. Haven't gasped for air in probably 2 weeks now. I haven't been scratching myself as much. My brain feels quieter. I've also been trying to keep myself on track during the day. I plan to do something and I do it. I make myself. I'm so tired of this new habit of mine. Master procrastinator....that's me!! Yuck. I'm really trying though. I'll probably need to think about this for a bit. I know that won't make everyone happy but it has to be this way.
We are mere days from the 2 year anniversary of my moms death. I'll post something Wednesday.
I have a ton of pictures to post but my camera is being weird. I'll figure it out asap though and do a picture-post :)
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