An update on me.....

                                                                          
Things have been getting easier for me. I have been making a conscious decision every time I say something like that to myself or, out loud to others. I say to myself, it's ok. It's going to be ok. A little part of me wants to go back to where I was because there I felt like I was keeping her close. I still struggle with that, no matter how healthy I seem. It'll probably be years before it's totally gone, but I am doing the best I can to fight it. I am afraid of her leaving me more. I also know that isn't how it probably works. Matter over mind? Mind over mind? I don't think it's mind over matter. lol. It's confusing sometimes, especially when I take to my blog to try to get it out. It makes sense in my head.


The thing that scares me the most? When I think of her, the image in my head is a picture of her, one that is on my wall. When I try to picture her for real, I have to sit and think. Scares me so bad. I also have this recording of her voice from her voicemail before she died and I have to listen to that to remember the exact sound of her voice. Tears are falling just writing this part. In a way, part of her is already fading away. It makes me hurt, deep down inside. I think it's a hurt that you can only feel in this situation. One specifically for this kind of pain, because this whole time, I've never felt this. My mom is fading away, and she was so special and so important and now she is just a memory.....one I have to concentrate to conjure up.


I have to not let this affect how well I've been doing. I am aware that it could and this is a good thing, because I can try harder to keep on going. I was told the other day that the light in my eyes came back recently. How sad is it that the light even went out in the first place. It also made me wonder if Jayden noticed. Maybe, in his own way.


I was even wondering, how do I still be healthy and still get to cry about her and sometimes express my frustrations on my blog...without scaring everyone I know that I'm "going back"? I feel like some of my friends will be upset when they read this because they think I'm doing so well. I am still doing well, sometimes though, I still have rough days. I promise to keep my head straight. I have seen the light and the light feels good. It feels like relief, so I won't stray away from my path.


It'll be her birthday on Monday, she would have been 55. I wonder how she would have felt about 55. I bet there would have been a few complaints for sure. I don't know if we will do anything. I might take flowers to her memorial tree. That sounds like a good plan to me.