Yep, still alive!!!

It's been over a month since I last blogged. Not for lack of trying to think about things to blog about though that's for sure. I just can't really think of anything exciting. We'll play catch up for now.

I don't think I ever mentioned that I went and talked to someone. I went before my moms 2 year anniversary (is it an anniversary?) I was told that if I looked into a textbook that I am right where I should be. That of course I'm having a hard time, I lost my mom and now I am left to figure out who I am without her. It's been a task. I was told that I need to try to do something for myself each and every day. It was almost self sabotage in a way, I didn't want to do anything that might benefit me. Didn't want to do anything that might help me feel better because I thought I deserved to hurt. I left the appointment feeling like I didn't really get the chance to say much.

I think though, as much as I felt I should have gotten to say more....I got to say enough for now. In hindsight I think that meeting as insignificant as it seemed at the time, was beneficial. I took to heart the whole do something for yourself each day in a way I never thought I would. A friend and I have started power walking and working out together. We do about 6km a day, with hand weights!!! I have already lost 6 lbs!!! In only 3 weeks. So awesome.

I'm starting to feel better. I got called out that last time I said that, and it was true. I did say that before and then I wound up having anxiety attacks. It feels different this time. Last time it felt a lot more forced, like people are getting sick of your whining, get on with it!! I think I really had to find the bottom in order to start the climb back to the top. I hit bottom. I was a mess. I NEEDED to get a grip and I think I did. I have just one or two thoughts at a time, which is MUCH more manageable than having countless thoughts floating around and torturing me. I have been working on re-directing my negative thoughts. My biggest problem was that if I tried to get better I would have this thought that I was dishonoring my mom by trying to feel better. I understand now that that is not healthy and that my mom would want me to be happy and healthy.

I still think of her often, always will but the pain of it is easing. To wish her back here is just wishing her to be unhappy. She wasn't happy in this life and for me to dwell on the fact that she isn't here anymore is silly. I think wherever she is, she is happy and she is free from her negative thoughts. The only thing holding her back is probably me, and my inability to move on. I think in order for her to be completely free, I have to let her go. This doesn't mean I don't love her. I think it means I'm accepting it. I will always love my mom, but I cannot ruin my life because she is gone. That's stupid.

Back to my weight loss. Guys...my ass is feeling higher!!! I feel less "bumpy"!!! It's a lot of hard work and I'm not gonna lie I bitch and complain during those last 3km but I'm going strong and can't wait to see results. I wonder what my ass will look like by Christmas?!?! Only time will tell... :D

Halloween is coming fast and I'm not sure how it's going to go for us. Evan is scared of EVERYTHING right now. Seriously we have to avoid the Halloween section when we go to Walmart because he is so freaked out by the big blow up decorations. He is scared of the dark recently too, and shadows, and ghosts (thanks Jayden). We went and bought him a Thomas the Tank Engine costume from Toys r Us, hoping the friendly little guy would help Evan enjoy Halloween, but he won't try it on. Not a good sign. I honestly don't care what happens on Halloween, if he doesn't want to it's more than ok with me, I am beyond picky about my kids eating candy so the less I have to toss out the better. The only thing that worries me is him missing out on the experience of it. It is SO FUN to trick or treat. I'll play it by ear and bring along his costume (it's a super easy slip over the coat type thing). I have a feeling though that if he does decide to participate he won't go anywhere near any house that has any cool...I mean scary...decorations. Poor little scaredy cat!!

Jayden is going to be a pirate this year which makes me SO HAPPY!!! He usually chooses the dorky Bumblebee or Spiderman costumes that don't fit over anything, and living in AB we need to costumes that can go over coats and still look cool. These silly leotard costumes don't do that. We got him some dreadlock hair and a sword and an earring and an eye patch. Now to hit up a thrift store for a big button up white shirt and a big black belt. He is gonna just wear black sweatpants. I plan to draw some facial hair onto him and call it done.

There isn't much else to catch up on. Things are getting easier. I'm feeling happier and healthier and more confident. Life is being good to me lately. I might have to jump on a few bloggy bandwagons in order to post as often as some of you would like. Thanks to those of you who have been "inquiring" about my lack of blogging, you make me feel loved :)