Ramblings...

Here we are. August 25 2010. It's almost been 2 years since my mom died. When I think back to 2 years ago it's pretty foggy. I mean, I remember probably too well the day she died. I remember the weekend she was dying. I remember bits and pieces of the summer in the hospital. I remember thinking my mom was going to live and she was doing really well, this was just before they let her come home. I went to see her and she knew who I was she introduced me to her nurse "This is my daughter!!' she said so proud and excited to see me. We sat that day and she said she was going to try to "health up" she was all gung ho to go home and go shopping for fruit and then she was going to blend it and freeze it in little ice cube trays, then she was going to thaw them when she wanted them and add it to her yogurt or something. I sat back just watching her talk. She had such hope. She just wanted to go home. She wanted to go home and put on her jammies and cuddle with her "mouser" and read a book. I looked at her and I said, "Mom, you understand why you are here right?" "yes." she said. "So you promise you won't ever drink again?" "Oh god no, never!!" I had such hope too. I remember going home that day and having coffee with a friend later and I was positively GLOWING, and I was telling her about my visit to see my mom and that she said she would never drink again and I was so happy. My friend just looked scared. She said "Are you sure?" What a naysayer I thought. My mom said she wouldn't drink again, and she won't. God, just that feeling was amazing. Indescribable. As gullible as some of you may think I was, I just needed to hear it. Her abuse was killing me.
She never had the chance to prove herself though.

God I miss her. I miss everything about her. I miss her so much sometimes I just want to jump out of my skin.

I've been having a bit of a hard time lately with my kids. They seem to, some days, want nothing more than to just work themselves into a tizzy and take me down with them. I wish I could call her and say please, come sit with the kids for a half hour so I can catch my breath. I wish I could pick up the phone and freak the fuck out about how irritated I am. It's hard on those days. I would have leaned on her. I can't lean on my dad like that, he's at work. I can't lean on Gavin's parents like that because they are almost always busy doing other things. Everyone else just comes and goes from my life. That's ok though, I understand that everyone else has their own lives to deal with. No one needs to add me to their burdens. I feel alone, even though I am surrounded by people. I can't force anyone to love me like she did. I miss that love.
I wonder if her being around would have changed how flustered I get with life sometimes. Probably, right? Today for example I had to lock myself into my bathroom for 10 minutes because I was so overwhelmed with them. Their fight picking, their complaining about the food I make, the complaining about that I don't do enough with them. This after a summer where I did nothing but try to make their summer amazing. Sure we don't have a ton of money but I made sure those kids did something fun AT LEAST once a week. This is the thanks I get? The one day I make no plans I get told how mean I am. I know I shouldn't take what they say seriously and for the most part I don't, but sometimes I just can't fucking stand it!! This is how my parents must have felt while I was being a douche when I should have been thanking them for keeping my ass alive. I would have asked her how to deal with this and ask her how she dealt with it. Being a parent is hard. Some days I'm finding it impossibly hard. I wonder if it's because it's hard or if I just haven't learned how to cope.
Mom, come back. I need you.