I have had time now to sit and think and have come up with a decision. If I don't fix this, I am going to turn into my mom. I feel like that doctor placed a mountain in front of me and told me I have to climb it. I have no choice. If I don't get better I'm going to get worse, I can't let that happen.
I did some research online and everything that I have going on in my chest with my breathing is listed on the symptoms of Anxiety Disorder. Everything. Plus more. My rapid mood swings, my lack of patience, my sadness, my crying when it doesn't even feel like I have anything to cry about, chest tremors, rapidly beating heart, and there is more. It's absolutely amazing. Astonishing. I have developed a few little ticks recently as well that I'm betting have something to do with, I scratch myself, I dig my nails into my hands, I wring my hands all the time, I squeeze things. Everything is becoming clear and it is all tied together.
I am angry with myself. Pissed off even. I am not someone who goes through something like this. I don't have issues that need dealing. I am stronger than that. Yeah, turns out I'm not as strong as I thought. I'm actually so out of tune with my body that I let it get to the point where I manifested a breathing problem and developed anxiety. Let me tell you, it doesn't feel manifested, when I can't breathe it feels real. Scares the hell out of me. I am so angry. I should have known. My poor children. I have to push through this for them. I promise you guys, I will get through this. I will not be overtaken by some fucking disorder. I will fight this.
I just need a few days to allow myself to accept that this is real.
See one Strong Cookie!! It takes a lot to admit that you have a disorder!! You have done half the battle and now you just gotta do as you say Climb that mountain!! You have a lot of supporters behind you on this one, cheering you on, pushing you forward whatever you may need.
ReplyDeleteYOU GO GIRL!!
I had an anxiety disorder in college so I understand what it's like. I went to therapy and it really helped. I tried some medications but didn't need them once I started the therapy. If you want to talk more about it or need more information I'm an email or phone call away!
ReplyDeleteI hope you are okay and I'm thinking of you lots!
Now that I read CanadianMama's comment I too had a anxiety disorder in high school. So bad that I got rushed to the hospital from band practice...I turned blue and ice cold...VERY EMBARASSING!! I had other inncidents before this but this is where we found out what was going on.
ReplyDeleterealizing and admitting (to yourself, and the people around you) is more than half the battle bula.. you are already on the road to recovery. allowing the people closest to you to help where they can, and maybe even seeking an unbiased outside opinion on the situation will help so much- just please don't think that we aren't here for you to help you through.
ReplyDeletelife is rough - on some more than others. we can't always do things by ourselves - as much as we like to think we can - there is no shame in asking for help. it's time to take a step back and focus on yourself, for the good of you, gavin and your kids.
anything i can do - i am a phonecall and 30 minutes away, always. xo