I remember you.....

Today is the 2nd anniversary of the death of my best friends mom, Donna. This was no ordinary woman, this was a special woman who could light up a room with her smile, who was there for me just as much as my own mom was. At her memorial so many people had so many wonderful things to say about her, a true testament to what kind of person she was. I miss her almost as much as I miss my own mom. To lose these 2 women so close together was devastating, but I know they are both out there watching over us and for that I am grateful.
Love you and miss you Donna.

PS- Thank you for keeping Christina safe on the highway yesterday.

Apple cinnamon E and J-cakes!!!

Seriously...I should get some kind of mommy award for today....

I have to add that when I snuck into Jayden's room and he looked up and saw the camera I said, "I'm so sorry, I know I'm being  a bad mommy....I just want to take a picture of you, I'm sorry, love you."

Doesn't Evan totally look like he's kinda enjoying it?

Sick.

This fall has not been good to everyone in my house. We have all pretty much been taking turns with everything that's been going around. And it sucks. The recent one is a doozy though, and so I decided to blog it so you can feel sorry for me. I am in need of sympathy.

I went to work out on Sunday eve and found myself really tired and just couldn't get into it, so I came home instead of continuing. All was good though, I felt fine. Went to bed, was rudely awoken at 4am by Evan who had decided it was "Morning mom?" So I dragged him into bed with us where he lay awake for the next hour babbling and shoving his cold feet all over me and being SO CLOSE that I was literally on the edge of the bed trying to get away. I like to cuddle but come on!!!! Then at 5 I started feeling funky so I left Evan with Gav and went to try to sleep on the couch. Didn't happen. By 6 I was throwing up. And it continued...all day long. That with the sharpest pains my poor stomach has ever had. I was dripping with sweat and freezing cold. It pretty much started to ease that evening. I tossed all night though still feeling feverish. Gavin stayed home Tuesday so I could rest as I was really weak, still am actually.

You'd think this was the end. but no. I was awoken at 2am to the sound of Jayden crying in his room, so I get up, go in and he had thrown up ALL over the floor, up the wall. It was horrible. I gagged my way through the cleaning and got him back to bed, and went back to bed as well. All of the rest of his pukes made it to the toilet...so far. He is still in his bed weak, shivering, and feeling like complete shit. Poor boy.

Think I'm done now? Because I'm not. It get's worse. I was coming out of Jaydens room after bringing him fresh water when I hear Evan let out a HUGE burp. I think "oh fuck" and run to him, and find him just in time to watch him throw up ALL OVER THE FLOOR. So now Evan is laying on the couch, feverish, not shaky yet, and pukey. I have towels all around him. Some on the coffee table for back up, paper towel at the ready, bucket beside him. 

I've had a few minutes to type this out but as I type I hear Jayden moaning. Oh crap guys. Wish me luck.


It stinks in here. Literally.

An update on me.....

                                                                          
Things have been getting easier for me. I have been making a conscious decision every time I say something like that to myself or, out loud to others. I say to myself, it's ok. It's going to be ok. A little part of me wants to go back to where I was because there I felt like I was keeping her close. I still struggle with that, no matter how healthy I seem. It'll probably be years before it's totally gone, but I am doing the best I can to fight it. I am afraid of her leaving me more. I also know that isn't how it probably works. Matter over mind? Mind over mind? I don't think it's mind over matter. lol. It's confusing sometimes, especially when I take to my blog to try to get it out. It makes sense in my head.


The thing that scares me the most? When I think of her, the image in my head is a picture of her, one that is on my wall. When I try to picture her for real, I have to sit and think. Scares me so bad. I also have this recording of her voice from her voicemail before she died and I have to listen to that to remember the exact sound of her voice. Tears are falling just writing this part. In a way, part of her is already fading away. It makes me hurt, deep down inside. I think it's a hurt that you can only feel in this situation. One specifically for this kind of pain, because this whole time, I've never felt this. My mom is fading away, and she was so special and so important and now she is just a memory.....one I have to concentrate to conjure up.


I have to not let this affect how well I've been doing. I am aware that it could and this is a good thing, because I can try harder to keep on going. I was told the other day that the light in my eyes came back recently. How sad is it that the light even went out in the first place. It also made me wonder if Jayden noticed. Maybe, in his own way.


I was even wondering, how do I still be healthy and still get to cry about her and sometimes express my frustrations on my blog...without scaring everyone I know that I'm "going back"? I feel like some of my friends will be upset when they read this because they think I'm doing so well. I am still doing well, sometimes though, I still have rough days. I promise to keep my head straight. I have seen the light and the light feels good. It feels like relief, so I won't stray away from my path.


It'll be her birthday on Monday, she would have been 55. I wonder how she would have felt about 55. I bet there would have been a few complaints for sure. I don't know if we will do anything. I might take flowers to her memorial tree. That sounds like a good plan to me.

GUESS WHAT!!!!!!

I have the most amazing news ever!!!!










Like soooo amazing that I kinda want to tease you....














Although, this is more exciting for me than it is for you......













This is probably kinda mean, you might even be a little disappointed when I'm done here........












My exciting news is........













EVAN IS ABOUT 90 % POTTY TRAINED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pooping on the potty........another story.

Halloween 2010