Where my best fwiend?????

Evan and his best buddy Chicken!!!!!!

My miracle child.

I was thinking last night about things to blog about and I don't think I ever told this story in my old blog, and if I did, or if you've heard it before bear with me.

When I got pregnant with Jayden over 9 years ago I was over the moon with excitement. I took the test and told Gavin and then before he could even really react I ran down the road and pulled my mom into her bedroom and told her I was pregnant. We did a little dance for joy and then we told the rest of the family (who were all sitting in the living room when I ran in and probably wondering what the heck!!) It was exciting because my sisters had babies and I just loved being around them and could not wait to add my own little munchkin to the pack. This was a baby who wasn't planned but was VERY wanted.

A few weeks into the pregnancy I started to bleed. So I went to the doctor and was told chances aren't good and to prepare myself for a loss. I was obviously really upset but bottom line was that this baby was still alive so on I went. About 4 months into the pregnancy I started bleeding again, this time pretty heavily, and it scared the hell out of me. Off to the doctor I went again and after some testing they came to the conclusion that baby was still holding on but not by much. I was told that my baby only had a 30% chance of survival and to take it easy. I bled on and off through the entire pregnancy and once I got to about 7 months along they decided that baby was going to try to come early and so I had to go to the hospital a bunch of times to get a steroid needle in my hip. The steroids were to advance baby's lungs so that if/when he came early he would have a better chance of being able to breathe on his own.

Baby's first due-date was Dec 22 and his second due date was Dec 24. My Jayden Daniel came into this world on Dec 23. He was big and pink and healthy!!!!! I don't know if it was a test to see how much I really wanted this baby, or maybe it was a test to see how much baby wanted to be with me. After all the stress and all the tears and all the uncertainty....my boy was ok.

So, in a way Jayden is a miracle. My own personal miracle.

Yep, still alive!!!

It's been over a month since I last blogged. Not for lack of trying to think about things to blog about though that's for sure. I just can't really think of anything exciting. We'll play catch up for now.

I don't think I ever mentioned that I went and talked to someone. I went before my moms 2 year anniversary (is it an anniversary?) I was told that if I looked into a textbook that I am right where I should be. That of course I'm having a hard time, I lost my mom and now I am left to figure out who I am without her. It's been a task. I was told that I need to try to do something for myself each and every day. It was almost self sabotage in a way, I didn't want to do anything that might benefit me. Didn't want to do anything that might help me feel better because I thought I deserved to hurt. I left the appointment feeling like I didn't really get the chance to say much.

I think though, as much as I felt I should have gotten to say more....I got to say enough for now. In hindsight I think that meeting as insignificant as it seemed at the time, was beneficial. I took to heart the whole do something for yourself each day in a way I never thought I would. A friend and I have started power walking and working out together. We do about 6km a day, with hand weights!!! I have already lost 6 lbs!!! In only 3 weeks. So awesome.

I'm starting to feel better. I got called out that last time I said that, and it was true. I did say that before and then I wound up having anxiety attacks. It feels different this time. Last time it felt a lot more forced, like people are getting sick of your whining, get on with it!! I think I really had to find the bottom in order to start the climb back to the top. I hit bottom. I was a mess. I NEEDED to get a grip and I think I did. I have just one or two thoughts at a time, which is MUCH more manageable than having countless thoughts floating around and torturing me. I have been working on re-directing my negative thoughts. My biggest problem was that if I tried to get better I would have this thought that I was dishonoring my mom by trying to feel better. I understand now that that is not healthy and that my mom would want me to be happy and healthy.

I still think of her often, always will but the pain of it is easing. To wish her back here is just wishing her to be unhappy. She wasn't happy in this life and for me to dwell on the fact that she isn't here anymore is silly. I think wherever she is, she is happy and she is free from her negative thoughts. The only thing holding her back is probably me, and my inability to move on. I think in order for her to be completely free, I have to let her go. This doesn't mean I don't love her. I think it means I'm accepting it. I will always love my mom, but I cannot ruin my life because she is gone. That's stupid.

Back to my weight loss. Guys...my ass is feeling higher!!! I feel less "bumpy"!!! It's a lot of hard work and I'm not gonna lie I bitch and complain during those last 3km but I'm going strong and can't wait to see results. I wonder what my ass will look like by Christmas?!?! Only time will tell... :D

Halloween is coming fast and I'm not sure how it's going to go for us. Evan is scared of EVERYTHING right now. Seriously we have to avoid the Halloween section when we go to Walmart because he is so freaked out by the big blow up decorations. He is scared of the dark recently too, and shadows, and ghosts (thanks Jayden). We went and bought him a Thomas the Tank Engine costume from Toys r Us, hoping the friendly little guy would help Evan enjoy Halloween, but he won't try it on. Not a good sign. I honestly don't care what happens on Halloween, if he doesn't want to it's more than ok with me, I am beyond picky about my kids eating candy so the less I have to toss out the better. The only thing that worries me is him missing out on the experience of it. It is SO FUN to trick or treat. I'll play it by ear and bring along his costume (it's a super easy slip over the coat type thing). I have a feeling though that if he does decide to participate he won't go anywhere near any house that has any cool...I mean scary...decorations. Poor little scaredy cat!!

Jayden is going to be a pirate this year which makes me SO HAPPY!!! He usually chooses the dorky Bumblebee or Spiderman costumes that don't fit over anything, and living in AB we need to costumes that can go over coats and still look cool. These silly leotard costumes don't do that. We got him some dreadlock hair and a sword and an earring and an eye patch. Now to hit up a thrift store for a big button up white shirt and a big black belt. He is gonna just wear black sweatpants. I plan to draw some facial hair onto him and call it done.

There isn't much else to catch up on. Things are getting easier. I'm feeling happier and healthier and more confident. Life is being good to me lately. I might have to jump on a few bloggy bandwagons in order to post as often as some of you would like. Thanks to those of you who have been "inquiring" about my lack of blogging, you make me feel loved :)

2 years....update.

I just wanted to tell you guys that yesterday was ok. It was no different than the day before, and it won't be any different from today. One thing that changed yesterday? That I can safely say that it has been 2 years. That's all. I didn't feel anxious, or like I was trying not to cry. I didn't gasp for air even once. In the morning when I woke up I was nervous, had an upset tummy and I had a little cry right away. That was it though, it was WAY easier than it was at 1 year. 1 year was mind blowing, the whole day I had the shakes and was crying.

This is a good sign, I must be healing.

2 years.

Remember her with a smile today
She was not one for tears
Reflect instead on memories
Of all the happy years
Recall to mind the way she spoke
And all the things she said
Her strength, her stance, the way she walked
Remember these instead
The good advice she'd give us
Her eyes that shone with laughter
So much of her will never die
But live on ever after
As we loved you, so we miss you
In our memory you are near
Loved, remembered, longed for always
Bringing many a silent tear.




* This is the poem we chose for the back of her memorial card.

Evan Raine turns 3!!!!

What joy you have brought into our lives Evan Raine. We cannot get enough of you!!

Picture Post!