Catch up.

Wow. Lot's has happened since I last blogged. Lot's happened before that too. I've been the worst blogger ever lately, it's this new thing I have. I like to think about things for weeks before I'll follow through and do them. I didn't really blog much this summer so I'm going to do a little catch up...fill you in a bit :) We went camping a lot. 3 times!! Maybe that actually isn't a lot but we planned our holidays this year all broken up so rather than having one long trip which we couldn't afford this year anyway, we decided to make it into 4 separate mini holidays. One we didn't go anywhere though, we just hung out and got things done at home. Camping was fantastic!! I'd only wanted to go to where my mom's ashes were scattered because I'm a suck like that but there is nothing for the kids to do there...nothing. There's a little river but if there are campers right there you have to go through there campsites to get to it...which isn't fun. They ride bikes but that's not the funnest thing in the world. So my dad gave us directions to another place he had been near Drumheller, actually it's in Rosedale called Pinters Campground. Love it there. Tons of trees, so many that you can't see your neighbors!! Best! Plus it's right along the Red Deer River and the people who run the place grated out a beach area so the kids could play in the sand (dirt lol) and swim and splash. Where we camped was a bit of a walk to the bathroom (thank goodness for the trailer)but we made it work. It's also so close to Drumheller and the Hoodoos and the giant dinosaur and the suspension bridge PLUS my kids fell in love with a school park there too so we spent a lot of time sitting there drinking coffee while the boys played. Oooh! Another perk? On the way out of Drumheller and on the way to our campground (which takes maybe 10 mins to get to) there is a Walmart!! With a McDonalds!! Which has kickass coffee!!! Lol, it was awesome :) My boys are very into dinosaurs right now...both of them! So they play together more. That is something that happened this summer, and I don't know how long it will last because Jayden is quite a bit older, they play together. Jayden even said "Wow, Evan actually knows how to play now!!" So their shared love for dinosaurs right now probably helped and I'm so glad! Evan loves his big brother and wants to be with him all the time so it's so nice that (mostly) Jayden is cool with it. What else? Oh we bought the kids a pool this summer and it was definitely put to good use!! I had kids in it pretty much every day that weather permitted. This included neighbor kids and nieces and nephew children too! It was great to have a place for them to hang out when it was too hot to do anything else..which was what.....3 days this summer. Pretty crappy summer weatherwise. We made it work though. Still totally felt like the kids were swimming a lot. Do you know how much work it is to have a pool? I didn't. Gross. We thought it would be fine to not do anything to the water at first. Bad idea. The water got pretty murky and shit started to grow on the side. This was within the 1st week and we figured it out fast...drained it and went to talk to someone who knew what to do...got the right chemicals (which at first I really didn't think we needed) and got 'er going again. What work though. No pump so I had to move the chemicals around so it was safe...plus I had to stand there for a minimum of half hour a day cleaning it. It was worth it though. My kids loved it. So it was a good summer. We spent a lot of time outside, in nature. My boys have turned into great campers! Evan sleeps in the top bunk with Jayden now, so mommy gets the whole bed to herself!!! I get to read before bed again! Love it :)
Evan just had his third birthday! He had the best time at his birthday party. We made caramel apples and decorated them with candy. It was a sugar filled afternoon and it was so much fun. We have great family and friends who all help out and they all know each other and get along. It was very relaxed and easy. Evan loved his cake and perfectly blew out his candles then grabbed the Thomas that sat on top. He had a great day. Scored a whole bunch of dinosaurs too, bringing his collection up to 20 dinosaurs!! He has been in a happy dino stupor since Saturday carrying and playing with his dinos and watching Jurassic park.....over and over and over and over. (Poor mommy).
Jayden has started grade 4. Grade freaking 4!!!! Craziness. How my little buttercup (baby nickname) got this big so fast I will never know. The school is trying something new this year and sorting the kids out according to their interests. He was placed in the Humanitarian group. I was really proud about that. I thought it just suited him to a tee to be there. He is the most sensitive boy you'll ever meet.
Next year he starts middle school. I don't know if I'm going to be ok with that...but I'll do my best. It happens so fast. I read my friends' blogs about their kids starting preschool and kindergarten and it seems so long ago that I went through that milestone. That's what happens when you're the 1st of your friends to have kids though. You do these things first. I get to do it again with Evan though so I am excited for that. The first day of kindergarten was sooooo wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time.
As far as all the past blogs about my anxiety...I went. I did it!!! I went to a place and talked to someone for the first time since my mom died!! IT was so hard, I was so scared. But I did it. Then, when it was all over and the lady gave me my assessment she told me that basically I need to do something for myself every day. And that I only have to come back if I want to. In a nutshell, that was it. Oh, and she said that if I looked in a textbook I would find that I am exactly where I should be. I already felt like I have to be making a mountain out of a molehill and was wasting their time by being so needy. Then I was pretty much told that was the case. I have a friend (hope you don't mind me talking about you) who thinks they dropped the ball and that I really need help and should try again. I'm having a hard time doing it again though. It's. SO. Hard. I know I should try again but I don't know if I will. I really don't want to make a big deal out of myself, and what if they just say the same thing? Square one again. I have been breathing much better. Haven't gasped for air in probably 2 weeks now. I haven't been scratching myself as much. My brain feels quieter. I've also been trying to keep myself on track during the day. I plan to do something and I do it. I make myself. I'm so tired of this new habit of mine. Master procrastinator....that's me!! Yuck. I'm really trying though. I'll probably need to think about this for a bit. I know that won't make everyone happy but it has to be this way.
We are mere days from the 2 year anniversary of my moms death. I'll post something Wednesday.
I have a ton of pictures to post but my camera is being weird. I'll figure it out asap though and do a picture-post :)

I have had time now to sit and think and have come up with a decision. If I don't fix this, I am going to turn into my mom. I feel like that doctor placed a mountain in front of me and told me I have to climb it. I have no choice. If I don't get better I'm going to get worse, I can't let that happen.
I did some research online and everything that I have going on in my chest with my breathing is listed on the symptoms of Anxiety Disorder. Everything. Plus more. My rapid mood swings, my lack of patience, my sadness, my crying when it doesn't even feel like I have anything to cry about, chest tremors, rapidly beating heart, and there is more. It's absolutely amazing. Astonishing. I have developed a few little ticks recently as well that I'm betting have something to do with, I scratch myself, I dig my nails into my hands, I wring my hands all the time, I squeeze things. Everything is becoming clear and it is all tied together.
I am angry with myself. Pissed off even. I am not someone who goes through something like this. I don't have issues that need dealing. I am stronger than that. Yeah, turns out I'm not as strong as I thought. I'm actually so out of tune with my body that I let it get to the point where I manifested a breathing problem and developed anxiety. Let me tell you, it doesn't feel manifested, when I can't breathe it feels real. Scares the hell out of me. I am so angry. I should have known. My poor children. I have to push through this for them. I promise you guys, I will get through this. I will not be overtaken by some fucking disorder. I will fight this.
I just need a few days to allow myself to accept that this is real.

Didn't see this coming...

Or maybe I did. I went to the doctor this morning because since last Friday I have been having trouble catching my breath. I feel like I can't complete my breathing, you know how when you take a deep breath you get that satisfying feeling when you're done? Not me. It got so bad the other day that I thought I was going to pass out. Talked myself through it though and stayed upright. Thank god. I had asthma as a child, a mild form of it but still asthma. Recently there have been huge fires in BC and the smoke traveled here and it was pretty bad for a while and my breathing issues started while it was so smoky, so I thought it may be my asthma returning, brought on by the smoke. So after deciding that this is important and Miss.Nevergoestothedoctor decided to finally go today. Turns out that it very well may be asthma again, BUT it wasn't brought on by the smoke, doc said if it was, it would have gotten a little better by now as the smoke is gone. Doc said it was very likely brought on because of stress and anxiety. Asked what I have that I might be stressed about. I mentioned my mom died almost 2 years ago. I also mentioned that I've been stressed out when my kids act up lately. He said it's quite likely my mothers death is eating me. You might never know if you met me, but I CONSTANTLY am thinking about my mom in the back of my head. It just took 2 years to rear it's ugly head...in the form of breathing issues. He said it may even just be pshychological (sp?) and I may try breathing excercises but that since I had asthma as a child it could also be that. So I have an inhalor. So a little of that and a little calm the fuck down and hopefully I'll be on my way back to health.

On another note, after Gavin left for work when I got home......I lost it. Bawled like a baby. I'm kind of ashamed that I let it affect me like this. I am so worked up because of her death that it's affecting my health. Shit. Made me mad at her all over again. Look what you did to me mom. Thanks a bunch.

Ramblings...

Here we are. August 25 2010. It's almost been 2 years since my mom died. When I think back to 2 years ago it's pretty foggy. I mean, I remember probably too well the day she died. I remember the weekend she was dying. I remember bits and pieces of the summer in the hospital. I remember thinking my mom was going to live and she was doing really well, this was just before they let her come home. I went to see her and she knew who I was she introduced me to her nurse "This is my daughter!!' she said so proud and excited to see me. We sat that day and she said she was going to try to "health up" she was all gung ho to go home and go shopping for fruit and then she was going to blend it and freeze it in little ice cube trays, then she was going to thaw them when she wanted them and add it to her yogurt or something. I sat back just watching her talk. She had such hope. She just wanted to go home. She wanted to go home and put on her jammies and cuddle with her "mouser" and read a book. I looked at her and I said, "Mom, you understand why you are here right?" "yes." she said. "So you promise you won't ever drink again?" "Oh god no, never!!" I had such hope too. I remember going home that day and having coffee with a friend later and I was positively GLOWING, and I was telling her about my visit to see my mom and that she said she would never drink again and I was so happy. My friend just looked scared. She said "Are you sure?" What a naysayer I thought. My mom said she wouldn't drink again, and she won't. God, just that feeling was amazing. Indescribable. As gullible as some of you may think I was, I just needed to hear it. Her abuse was killing me.
She never had the chance to prove herself though.

God I miss her. I miss everything about her. I miss her so much sometimes I just want to jump out of my skin.

I've been having a bit of a hard time lately with my kids. They seem to, some days, want nothing more than to just work themselves into a tizzy and take me down with them. I wish I could call her and say please, come sit with the kids for a half hour so I can catch my breath. I wish I could pick up the phone and freak the fuck out about how irritated I am. It's hard on those days. I would have leaned on her. I can't lean on my dad like that, he's at work. I can't lean on Gavin's parents like that because they are almost always busy doing other things. Everyone else just comes and goes from my life. That's ok though, I understand that everyone else has their own lives to deal with. No one needs to add me to their burdens. I feel alone, even though I am surrounded by people. I can't force anyone to love me like she did. I miss that love.
I wonder if her being around would have changed how flustered I get with life sometimes. Probably, right? Today for example I had to lock myself into my bathroom for 10 minutes because I was so overwhelmed with them. Their fight picking, their complaining about the food I make, the complaining about that I don't do enough with them. This after a summer where I did nothing but try to make their summer amazing. Sure we don't have a ton of money but I made sure those kids did something fun AT LEAST once a week. This is the thanks I get? The one day I make no plans I get told how mean I am. I know I shouldn't take what they say seriously and for the most part I don't, but sometimes I just can't fucking stand it!! This is how my parents must have felt while I was being a douche when I should have been thanking them for keeping my ass alive. I would have asked her how to deal with this and ask her how she dealt with it. Being a parent is hard. Some days I'm finding it impossibly hard. I wonder if it's because it's hard or if I just haven't learned how to cope.
Mom, come back. I need you.

FYI

So Gavin had a call today at Lilydale aka where chickens go to die. So he was behind the scenes there and he said it was the most disgusting, vile, nastiest place he had ever been, and that he may never eat chicken again. This man isn't grossed out very easy and he keeps shaking his head whenever he thinks of what he saw. I haven't asked I don't want to know.
Just sayin'.

Sleepover!!!

Cousin Melissa came for a sleepover the other night. How cute are they??

Camping trip July29-Aug 1

So this past weekend we went camping to a place right near Drumheller. It was a great campground, right along the Red Deer River and there was a nice, sandy beach set up as well. We spent our time laying on the beach, playing in the water and checking out Drumheller. The Tyrell Museum bores me to DEATH...yaaaaaawn. So we didn't go there but we did check out the worlds biggest dinosaur (which had a lot of stairs to get to the top, I swear my as was smaller when we got to the top). Went and checked out a cool suspension bridge (that took Jayden about 15 mins to talk himself into walking across) went for ice cream, went out for lunch one day, stuff and things. It was fun. My bestie and her little girl came for a visit and stayed all day Saturday, so that was fun for the kids. Here's some pictures :)