Now where is that leaf? I'd like to turn it over.....

I was going through pictures on my computer this morning and Evan was hanging out with me, telling me who all the people in the pictures were. He was doing a great job, got confused a bit when we came to older pictures of the kids but he knew everyone. Until we got to a picture of my mom. "Ummmmmm....I don't know dat one." He said after staring at it for a few moments. Ouch. He had no idea who she was for the rest of them either, every time we got to one of her he got stuck. He used to be so good! Knew who she was just from pictures, "Gwamma She-whoa!!" he would say when I asked him who she was. When she passed away he had turned one, just two days before. So he was very young still. He knew her when he was a baby too. Knew her voice and he loved her dat-dadat-dadeet-deet-doot thing she did to him. She babysat for me a lot too, before she got too carried away with her alcoholism. Now he has no idea who she is. So sad, especially because she loved him so much. I know this will change as he get's older and we can talk to him about her and I am looking forward to telling him many stories about her. It's just hard, you know. Kinda rough.
I'm doing better these days. I really am. I'm trying to see things in a more positive way. I know my mom would never want me to fester in this forever. It ain't pretty and it's not good for the soul. Negativity will eat you alive. It's been eating me for a long time. The years before my mom passed were rough too, it's been a long season of sadness and anger and self loathing. I need to be better than that. I am better than that. I went through an angry, pissed off phase for a few weeks there. I'm sure you all read the blog although no one dared to comment (except you beautiful mess and I thank you for it). I was pretty pissed off but I meant every word I said. I really do feel that way about that situation surrounding her death. It helped me in so many ways to write that blog. It also helped a good friend of mine see something very important and share it with me ( in due time of course because I was being scary). She told me that what I am doing by allowing myself to stay stuck in the anger is exactly what my mom did to me. Sorta. Obviously I'm not an alcoholic, but I dealt with a mom who had issues and never learned to deal with them thus leaving me with a mom who wasn't 100% there. I don;t want that for my kids because I know it hurts like hell. I have scars inside my body from it. I could never knowingly do that to my kids. I need to crawl out of this hole I'm hiding in and figure out who I am. I was having coffee with my friend the other day and she was saying how turning 30 she feels like she knows who she is and she feels pretty in control of her life and knows where she is going. Made me think. I honestly don't know who I am. I think I was on my way to figuring myself out when everything with my mom happened and I lost myself. I'm going to find that girl again. I'm also going to find a new woman. One who my kids can look up to and be proud of. One who lost her mom in the most emotionally devastating way, but was able to rise above it and be a better person. That is what my mom would want. She knows she did us wrong, and me getting better will be my way of saying I forgive you.

My best friend's wedding.

So my bestestest friend got married this weekend :) It was the most amazing day and she looked like the most beautiful bride I have ever seen. Love you Noodlehead ;)